My Way Through The Storm…..And Self-Confidence Restored?

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View of a driveway and side street covered in snow and slush.

Aftermath of snow storm in Batavia, NY.

Two weeks back….

It figures that this happens today of all days. I should’ve never let this go by the wayside. Why do I need personal essentials now? It wasn’t a pressing need yesterday. My thoughts fluttered in my head as the cold hit me. Just moments before, I dressed for the weather. I put on my sweatpants, then my jeans over top. I pulled my sweatshirt over my regular top, and then on went two pairs of socks along with my shoes. I finished off with two jackets and a heavy leather coat. I donned my gloves last. I didn’t think to get a scarf, since I don’t have one, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. So I went on my porch.

OMG!

Was that snow blown around in big piles and it was still blowing snow all over? Yes. It was a little hard to see, but I am somewhat persistent when I get an idea in my head. My first step I made, my leg sank into snow up to my calf. Not a good sign. But my brain said,”Ah, that’s all right. It’s just a little snow. You can make it.” I foolishly pushed on through my driveway to the main sidewalk and turned right.

Around the corner, I turned right again onto Main Street and scuffled down the walk trying to keep the frigid air out of my face. I didn’t realize that the temperature was a heartbreaking five below zero. The kind of cold that makes you cry for your mama.

Surprisingly, I felt a little toasty except for my lower face. My hood was tied under my chin, but it kept sliding down exposing my flesh to that awful chill. I only got halfway down the section of sidewalk leading to the first intersection. My chin was starting to feel numb and the whiteout conditions were not improving.

I had to throw in the towel on this one. Subzero Temps=1, Me=0.

I never felt more relieved when I got inside and went upstairs. Reminder to myself: Next time, plan ahead for all essentials when bad weather is forecast.

Now….

Did you ever wonder, Why me? I’ve wondered that a lot lately. Day-to-day living can sometimes be a major pain in the rear. It isn’t enough with washing dishes, picking up, and organizing the house.

Now, I have to hand wash dirty clothes, again. I should expect it by now. The finances are always a little short come rent time. It would be just nice if I had a little money coming in. I know. I’m a deadbeat.

I don’t have a job right now. But, it’s not for lack of trying. It seems the more I try, the less success I achieve. Go figure. I do admit there was a short stretch that I just completely gave up. It is so frustrating to look for work, even get some interviews, and no bites.

Then, I get in my personal merry-go-round of “You’re not good enough. Who do you think you are, Queen of Sheba or something?” Then my shot confidence will manage to fire back volleys of “Shut up you. You’re not my boss. Go away and come back when you’ve got something nicer to say.”

And on and on it goes.

It’s taken me this long to realize that maybe I sabotage myself. I don’t think it’s all outside forces trying to get me. I look back on my past life and wonder what I could’ve accomplished if I only had some faith in myself. Where would I be? But, it’s pointless to second guess yourself when you can’t go back and change anything.

If you could? Would you? You would have to think on that long and hard. This is not something to just jump into or there could be dangerous implications to your present and your future. I shudder to think of the possibilities. Personally, I’d be afraid of accidentally taking myself out of existence which would mean my kids cease to exist, too. Yikes! I don’t want to do that.

I just need to boost my self-confidence with what I’m doing now: this blog. I just want to make something happen, anything positive. So, this week, I’m planning on volunteering at the ReStore run by the Habitat for Humanity and work on my resume. It just might be the kick in the pants I need.

Wish me luck.

Carol